Anybody could get laid. Even an 800 lb man. I often wonder how the guy could even find his rod in the forest of blubber and pubic hair when nearly weighing half a ton. But I’m getting way way way ahead of myself. Let us examine how this man got a girlfriend in the first place.
Back Story: Manuel Uribe of was once a 1,235 lb man. He lost control over his eating and workout habits after his adolescent years. He got so big that his family and friends had to take care of him (i.e. feed and clean him). He went online with his problem and asked for help to the good people of the globe. Since then, he’s been bedridden and lost 440 lbs (WOW) on a high-protein diet. For all of you math majors: that’s over one-third of his body weight. Impressive.
He MUST have gone through countless numbers of sheets from sweating all of that waste out of system. Therefore, he must stink like the breath of tobacco-chewing carnival worker. How the HELL could this guy get a girlfriend? This brings me to my point…
WOMEN ARE OBSESSED WITH MONEY!!!
Manuel “The Manatee” Uribe MUST have made so much money with that cry for help of his. No women in the right mind would hop on this blob (impossible perhaps), unless it meant sharing his undeserving income on crap she doesn’t need. I’m going to go ahead and be heavy-hearted and assume that she’s a fatty too, and they love each other. Just like the couple of the White Castle marriage, I’m sticking by my Cotton Eye Joe in the barn vision (Only it’s the Spanish version with the traditional Latin beat) But seriously, read the story, it’s hilarious.Some highlighted points:
- Forklift and flatbed truck used to carry him around.
- The road wasn’t big enough to handle him.
- The sunshield tarp hitting an overpass.
- Had a mariachi band play when he was being pushed on his iron bed.
- Was once a mechanic - you show me how he fit under a car, and I’ll show you a liar. (Either a liar or he had the help of David Blain)
This story is nothing but fat-tastic.
You’re a meathead.