Bring on Cheryl! Bring on any woman sports commentator in the known universe! I cannot take Reggie Miller anymore.
The title of this article is somewhat of a misnomer, in that there is no list, because there needn’t be a list when one commentator is so far ahead of the rest with respect to horrendousness. I feel bad right now, eviscerating another man with words, but this needs to be done.
Last year I pined for Reggie’s return to NBA basketball, not because I enjoyed watching him play, but because I could no longer stand hearing him. It’s the kind of annoyance that toys with your ears and plucks at your wits hour after hour…finally leading to paralysis. Sans a Reggie-game, this type of annoyance can only be achieved by burying yourself at the beach, with only your head exposed. Stick cat poo on the sand directly below your nose and struggle while the sand-flies relentlessly buzz, tickle, and crawl on your exposed brain-case. In the very least, it leads to temporary insanity and the desire to rip one’s own face off.
The first few games I heard Reggie, I gave him the benefit of the doubt. I made all the excuses, “he’s new,” “he’s fledgling,” “he’s got a stuffy nose.” But, alas, I cannot take it any longer. He picks a word out and uses it in excess through the next few weeks. “Onus” was the first time I recognized it. Pretty soon we were putting the onus on everybody for everything. We put the onus on the beer guy at the stadium for serving warm beer. Together, I, Reggie, and millions of fans worldwide “onused” our way through the regular season.
Now Reggie is taking on the NBA playoffs and I couldn’t be more frustrated. I muted. Muting blows. (No crowd, no clamor, no squeaks, no Marv.) TNT, please save me from the mute.
His new thing is to fain excitement going into commercial breaks. Meanwhile, we have to hear his voice nearly break as he verbally sautés comments on a pass and dunk going into halftime. This is followed by his fellow commentator, usually Marv, saying, “wow, you got excited for that one,” while no doubt sharing our lack of enthusiasm for spending our nights with Miller Time.
Reggie, good luck, you were a great player, but please stop ruining my Thursday nights.
Sincerely,
The Jerk
