Kids just want to have a good time.  Maybe dabble in the world of pre-marital sexual intercourse.  Here’s a great story on what happens when a boyfriend chooses the wrong daughter and the wrong time. 

What’s so funny about this story is that I can’t help to wonder if the boyfriend had to hop on his huffy naked back to the tree house.  Its too bad for the dad who had to do what he had to do to protect his daughter and most of all his authority in the house.  Instead of arresting the man, I would give him a key to the city.  One less teenage daughter that’s never getting pregnant.

Let that be a lesson to all those damn teenage boys with your acne, long hair, and little peepee’s. Don’t sneak in your girlfriend’s house and decide to show off your boyhood.

I’ve got to hand it the Chinese again.  They come up with the most creative ways to do everything… Even how Chinese gang members can make a quick buck is remarkable.

Sure, we’ve all heard of goons and thugs killing people for money (everyone knows the premise behind Grand Theft Auto).  Maybe the target was a high-ranking member of a rival gang or mafia.  Or maybe the target just pissed off the wrong Tony Montana, and decided to sniff lines of cocaine off Scarface’s kid sister in the bathroom of the Babylon Club.  Whichever the case, this story has to be the most appealing.

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The Olympics are finally over and so much credit can be given to the host country, China.  They are exceptional hosts and deserve all the thanks in the world.  I wish them good luck in going forward…Just don’t engage a war the U.S. with your 200 million standing army, please.

Alright, now that the blessings and sappy stuff is out of the way… lets get the recap.  

There were many winners in the 29^th Olympics games…

There were also many losers in the 29^th Olympic games…

Here’s a parallel comparison…

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The Olympics are soon over.  Update commencing…

USA and China are finally separating in the medal count. Although China has an overwhelming edge over the Americans in Gold medals, the US has the overall total in their favor.  China has improved so much from the Olympics prior.  It’s obvious that their strategy was to concentrate on the least popular sports (with the exception of Gymnastics) and try to take the Gold in those categories.  One problem though, there are 81 gold medals given in Swimming and Track and Field combined.  If China’s goal was to defeat the US in the medal count, then they had to dump some time into the most popular and most Gold-pungent events in the Olympics.  A good analogy would be like a Presidential Candidate not campaigning in California and New York. Continue Reading »

Now that we are in our second full week of healthy athletic competition, its time for another update.

Medal Count (Top 5):

USA - 25 Golds, 25 Silvers, 26 Bronzes = 76 Total

China - 40 Golds, 14 Silvers, 17 Bronzes = 71 Total

Russia - 9 Golds, 13 Silvers, 17 Bronzes = 39 Total

Australia - 11 Golds, 11 Silvers, 12 Bronzes = 34 Total

Great Britain - 14 Golds, 7 Silvers, 8 Bronzes = 29 Total

Notes:

The women’s gymnastics all-around event finished as U.S. taking Gold (Nastia Luikin) and Silver (Shawn Johnson) - Prooving once again that sweatshop working kids just can’t jump into the gym and expect a gold medal in their future.

The U.S. Wrestler, Henry Cejudo, beats Japan’s Tomohiro Matsunaga for the gold - securing the another consecutive gold medal for the U.S. in a freestyle event in the last 9 Olympics.  Prooving once again that just because you’re good at math, doesn’t mean you can calculate your way out of an Mexican-American Sleeper Hold. 

Misty May-Treanor and Kerri Walsh advance to the Gold medal match, sweeping teams in the Semi-Finals.  This is their 107th consecutive victory over any beach volleyball duo.  They play top-seeded Tian Jia and Wang Jie.  No anecdote here, I’m waiting the outcome. 

The Redeem Team absolutely crushes the German team 106-57, and are just 3 wins away from the Gold.  They even jumped to a 20-3 lead at one point in the first quarter.  Prooving once again that once Hitler died, so did Germany’s basketball dreams (both thanks to the Americans)

GO USA!!!!

China is doing a fantastic job putting on these games.  I don’t care if they are Communist.  I don’t care if they won’t free Tibet.  And I don’t care if they don’t like Joey Cheek, although I never met the guy, Prez G-dub says he’s a good man.  Kudos to China for putting on a great spectacle. 

Also, what really surprises me is the turnaround.  China has never contended for medals in the past, and all of a sudden they are teetering with USA in the top spot of the medal count chart.   Talk about home pride.  But USA fans should not worry.  The Track and Feild competitions start on day 7.  Enlightened by the French swimmer, Alain Bernard,  I feel obligated to say: ”The American’s are going to smash them” and “I hate Frenchies”

Here’s your update:

Medal Count (Top 5):

China - 22 Golds, 7 Silvers, 5 Bronzes = 34 Total

USA - 10 Golds, 9 Silvers, 14 Bronzes = 33 Total

South Korea - 6 Golds, 7 Silvers, 3 Bronzes = 16 Total

Australia - 5 Golds, 4 Silvers, 7 Bronzes = 16 Total

Frenchies - 2 Golds, 7 Silvers, 6 Bronzes = 15 Total

Notes:

Michael Phelps continues to woo “Phelps Phans” all over the globe.  He now has the most gold medals of any Olympic athlete of all time, AND he has broken the world record in every single medal race he has swum. 

Kosuke Kitajima of Japan is the best Breast Stroker in the world.  I’m jealous because I long dreamed of having that title.

The USA men’s gymnastics team surprisingly took the Bronze in the Team Final.  And my USA girls took Silver (Once the Chinese girl’s ages are revealed, that might change to gold).  Alicia Sacramone: I don’t care if she did fall on the beam and floor exercise, she’s still the best looking girl in the Olympics.  Okay, second behind Jennie Finch. 

GO USA!!!!

After a fantastic, glorious, terrorist-free, expensive ($300M!) opening ceremony on Friday night, August 8, 2008 – The 29^th Olympic games are under way.

I was literally glued to the television set like they were showing reruns of Saved by the Bell. However, my TV was not showing Zack and Kelly slow dancing outside of the costume ball, but rather Michael Phelps breaking world records, Dana Torres showing she can swim with the much more hip and younger girls, and Shawn Johnson delivering a crisp, mistake-free routine (unlike her teammates).

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Did you ever have to go take a piss, and you have to go so bad that you would literally do it ANYWHERE?  Only as long as you get that pee out of your bladder, it’s absolutely necessary.  I could recall dozens of times when I have to go so bad that I would do it in a bush in a crowded place with my buddy shielding my back and inconspicuously looking around like we are admiring the berries on the bush.  Yeah, that happens all the time. 

Well, how about in your 6^th grade class?  You ask to go, but your teacher decides to make some smart-ass remark, and you’re not allowed.  That smart-ass comment was: “Hold it or use my lunch box.”  Wow.  Talk about a teacher who’s extremely dedicated to making her students sit down and learn what’s in front of them.  She’s even willing to sacrifice the hygiene of her lunchbox in order for that to happen.

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2008 Olympics

Just a friendly reminder… You can get your 2008 Summer Olympics updates from SurplusThoughts.com starting on 8/08/08. 

Basically, the criteria that will be shared will be gold medal winners, schedule of events, medal counts, etc. etc.  If you have any more suggestions, please leave a comment to this post.  In the mean time, strap on your red, white, and blue jumpsuit.  Do some stretching and calisthenics.  And put on your USA game face.  The OLYMPICS are just around the corner. 

Uploaded are excel spreadsheets containing all of the vital information.  Comment if you have a problem with the formatting. 

Anybody could get laid.  Even an 800 lb man.  I often wonder how the guy could even find his rod in the forest of blubber and pubic hair when nearly weighing half a ton.  But I’m getting way way way ahead of myself.  Let us examine how this man got a girlfriend in the first place.

Back Story:  Manuel Uribe of was once a 1,235 lb man.  He lost control over his eating and workout habits after his adolescent years.  He got so big that his family and friends had to take care of him (i.e. feed and clean him).  He went online with his problem and asked for help to the good people of the globe.  Since then, he’s been bedridden and lost 440 lbs (WOW) on a high-protein diet.  For all of you math majors: that’s over one-third of his body weight.  Impressive.   

He MUST have gone through countless numbers of sheets from sweating all of that waste out of system.  Therefore, he must stink like the breath of tobacco-chewing carnival worker.  How the HELL could this guy get a girlfriend?  This brings me to my point… 

WOMEN ARE OBSESSED WITH MONEY!!!

Manuel “The Manatee” Uribe MUST have made so much money with that cry for help of his.  No women in the right mind would hop on this blob (impossible perhaps), unless it meant sharing his undeserving income on crap she doesn’t need.  I’m going to go ahead and be heavy-hearted and assume that she’s a fatty too, and they love each other.  Just like the couple of the White Castle marriage, I’m sticking by my Cotton Eye Joe in the barn vision (Only it’s the Spanish version with the traditional Latin beat)   But seriously, read the story, it’s hilarious.Some highlighted points:

1. Forklift and flatbed truck used to carry him around.
2. The road wasn’t big enough to handle him.
3. The sunshield tarp hitting an overpass.
4. Had a mariachi band play when he was being pushed on his iron bed.
5. Was once a mechanic - you show me how he fit under a car, and I’ll show you a liar.  (Either a liar or he had the help of David Blain)

 This story is nothing but fat-tastic.