Anybody could get laid.  Even an 800 lb man.  I often wonder how the guy could even find his rod in the forest of blubber and pubic hair when nearly weighing half a ton.  But I’m getting way way way ahead of myself.  Let us examine how this man got a girlfriend in the first place.

Back Story:  Manuel Uribe of was once a 1,235 lb man.  He lost control over his eating and workout habits after his adolescent years.  He got so big that his family and friends had to take care of him (i.e. feed and clean him).  He went online with his problem and asked for help to the good people of the globe.  Since then, he’s been bedridden and lost 440 lbs (WOW) on a high-protein diet.  For all of you math majors: that’s over one-third of his body weight.  Impressive.   

He MUST have gone through countless numbers of sheets from sweating all of that waste out of system.  Therefore, he must stink like the breath of tobacco-chewing carnival worker.  How the HELL could this guy get a girlfriend?  This brings me to my point… 

WOMEN ARE OBSESSED WITH MONEY!!!

Manuel “The Manatee” Uribe MUST have made so much money with that cry for help of his.  No women in the right mind would hop on this blob (impossible perhaps), unless it meant sharing his undeserving income on crap she doesn’t need.  I’m going to go ahead and be heavy-hearted and assume that she’s a fatty too, and they love each other.  Just like the couple of the White Castle marriage, I’m sticking by my Cotton Eye Joe in the barn vision (Only it’s the Spanish version with the traditional Latin beat)   But seriously, read the story, it’s hilarious.Some highlighted points:

1. Forklift and flatbed truck used to carry him around.
2. The road wasn’t big enough to handle him.
3. The sunshield tarp hitting an overpass.
4. Had a mariachi band play when he was being pushed on his iron bed.
5. Was once a mechanic - you show me how he fit under a car, and I’ll show you a liar.  (Either a liar or he had the help of David Blain)

 This story is nothing but fat-tastic.

I can’t say that I blame the guy. Bad food. Crappy weather. Questionable dental care.

He has the British press following his every move when he is back in England. He probably feels some sense of relief to be away from all the madness. Ironic that his relief comes in the midst of a combat zone in Afghanistan.

My favorite part of Harry’s statement was when he used the word “shite”. That is such a great word. In fact, everyone should try harder to incorporate this classic British term into their every-day vocab. But I digress.

Since this article was originally written, the Prince has already been flown back to England for fear that his location being exposed by the media might leave he and his fellow troops vulnerable to attack. Ah the life of royalty.

NJIT, or N.J. Tech if you prefer, has completed their abysmal season with a record of 0-29. Yes, 0-29. No, seriously, 0-29. Tech finishes this year’s campaign with a 341 RPI ranking out of a possible 341 teams in Division I.

I kinda feel bad for these guys. I cannot imagine being on a team that bad. When you are 0-29, you make this year’s 1-15 Miami Tuna Fish look good.

Since joining the Division I level, NJIT is 5-53.

Hey Tech, I know I’m not a distinguished alumni, an administrator or even a current student, and I know little-to-nothing about your fine institutution of academia, but maybe it’s time to move back down to a lower level of competition, like Division II. Or maybe just drop the program and start a men’s lacrosse team instead.

So, I just recently found out that I’m black… Oh excuse me, African American.   According to recent DNA discoveries, the beginning of the modern human began in the heart of Africa.  It’s hard to argue because I don’t have RadioShack’s SuperDNA9500 analysis machine to trump their Stanford University Professors.

The Professor sticking his oversized reproductive organ into this theory is Richard Myers, a.k.a. R-Money.  He claims that this “helps to argue against racism”.  I don’t agree.  No matter how much buzz this generates or how big this thing blows up, we’re still going to have the KKK, gang wars, and those funny black comedians on BET’s Comic View making fun of ‘crackers’.

But this changes my whole perspective on things.  I can now: jump higher, run faster, have an unhealthy obsession with chrome rims on Cadillacs, love grape soda, vote democrat, have an excuse to pork fat white girls, etc.  I’m a ‘brother’ now… no not like a relative or sibling, I’m talking the way the black people,  I mean ‘we’, use it.

In the spirit of it being Black History Month, for the remainder of my post, I will talk the way I feel is natural… YO! Dis be Clayton, I’m out, home-slice.  NAAAAA MEEEEAN!!! 

Vote Obama ‘08

In typical Frenchie-Canadian fashion, Eric Gagne, now of the powerhouse Milwaukee Brewers, issued a half-assed, lame “apology” of sorts on Monday.

Gagne couldn’t handle the pressure of the playoffs last season with the Sawks so it’s fitting that he landed in Milwaukee, because who knows the last time they had a meaningful playoff run. Let’s see, top criteria for Eric Gagne in the offseason…

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