The burger looks quite unhealthy - and by unhealthy I mean by eating just one it will take 5 months off of your life - but the commercial is hi-larious, nonetheless. “I just wanted one….” Hi-lario.

Did you ever have to go take a piss, and you have to go so bad that you would literally do it ANYWHERE?  Only as long as you get that pee out of your bladder, it’s absolutely necessary.  I could recall dozens of times when I have to go so bad that I would do it in a bush in a crowded place with my buddy shielding my back and inconspicuously looking around like we are admiring the berries on the bush.  Yeah, that happens all the time. 

Well, how about in your 6^th grade class?  You ask to go, but your teacher decides to make some smart-ass remark, and you’re not allowed.  That smart-ass comment was: “Hold it or use my lunch box.”  Wow.  Talk about a teacher who’s extremely dedicated to making her students sit down and learn what’s in front of them.  She’s even willing to sacrifice the hygiene of her lunchbox in order for that to happen.

Continue Reading »

Why go to the trouble of paying for a cocktail of various drugs when you can get them for free by simply drinking tap water?! Well, sorta.

New evidence shows just how much crap can be found in our cities drinking water supplies. To be honest, I find it sketchy that these prescription drugs are in the water we drink, even if if is only in “trace” amounts. Apparently the normal rigors of the modern-day water treatment process do not remove the pharmaceuticals from the water supply.

Continue Reading »

Anybody could get laid.  Even an 800 lb man.  I often wonder how the guy could even find his rod in the forest of blubber and pubic hair when nearly weighing half a ton.  But I’m getting way way way ahead of myself.  Let us examine how this man got a girlfriend in the first place.

Back Story:  Manuel Uribe of was once a 1,235 lb man.  He lost control over his eating and workout habits after his adolescent years.  He got so big that his family and friends had to take care of him (i.e. feed and clean him).  He went online with his problem and asked for help to the good people of the globe.  Since then, he’s been bedridden and lost 440 lbs (WOW) on a high-protein diet.  For all of you math majors: that’s over one-third of his body weight.  Impressive.   

He MUST have gone through countless numbers of sheets from sweating all of that waste out of system.  Therefore, he must stink like the breath of tobacco-chewing carnival worker.  How the HELL could this guy get a girlfriend?  This brings me to my point… 

WOMEN ARE OBSESSED WITH MONEY!!!

Manuel “The Manatee” Uribe MUST have made so much money with that cry for help of his.  No women in the right mind would hop on this blob (impossible perhaps), unless it meant sharing his undeserving income on crap she doesn’t need.  I’m going to go ahead and be heavy-hearted and assume that she’s a fatty too, and they love each other.  Just like the couple of the White Castle marriage, I’m sticking by my Cotton Eye Joe in the barn vision (Only it’s the Spanish version with the traditional Latin beat)   But seriously, read the story, it’s hilarious.Some highlighted points:

1. Forklift and flatbed truck used to carry him around.
2. The road wasn’t big enough to handle him.
3. The sunshield tarp hitting an overpass.
4. Had a mariachi band play when he was being pushed on his iron bed.
5. Was once a mechanic - you show me how he fit under a car, and I’ll show you a liar.  (Either a liar or he had the help of David Blain)

 This story is nothing but fat-tastic.

Fantastic news today for every man in America, Australia, and the world, really. As long as you last three minutes or more in bed, you are “adequate” and deserve to live.

This is great! Take that Hollywood. Take that rock n roll superstars. The study goes to show that “doin’ it all night long” ain’t all it’s cracked up to be.

The craziest part about the study is the researchers’ conclusion that MEN are the ones who usually want the sexy-time to last longer, not women. Somehow the ladies claim to be satisfied by these short five-to-seven minute escapades. Sounds odd, but somehow perfect at the same time.

Way to go ladies. Thanks for taking so much pressure off of the guys. It’s tough out there sometimes.

Now fetch me a beer and get ready to experience the most mind-blowing three minutes of your life!

Perhaps, the greatest quarterback (so far) of the NFL retired recently.  Brett Favre is hanging up his jersey for good from the greatest sport in America.  What better way to remember a great athlete than to name your kid after him?  Great Idea!!! I’d totally name my kid after my favorite sports star.   The Kinsaul family from Palatka, Florida decided to do just that - naming their kid after the Packer’s signal caller. 

Oh Shoot! What if its a girl?…. AHHH, no problem, we’ll call her Bretta.  No big deal! 

Okay cool, all of the bases are covered…. let the birth giving commence…. 

Okay!!! It’s a boy!!! Little Brett Aaron, so cute.  

Uhhh, here comes another……

Uh, YEAH! 

Quick! think of a name!

Uh, Favre. 

Yeah….. Favre Moses.

Oh, Shoot!  Didn’t think of TWINS! 

I feel sorry for little Favre Moses.  Kids growing up will throw spitwads at him becuase they will not know how to pronounce his name, AND is middle name is Moses.  C’mon, how many of us growing up could pronounce the name, “Krysheski” just by reading it on paper.  I know its not quite the same as “Favre”, but you get my point.  It’s just spelled differently. 

He’s going to be calling plays while leading his team across the desert.  But at least he has a hell of an arm.

I can’t say that I blame the guy. Bad food. Crappy weather. Questionable dental care.

He has the British press following his every move when he is back in England. He probably feels some sense of relief to be away from all the madness. Ironic that his relief comes in the midst of a combat zone in Afghanistan.

My favorite part of Harry’s statement was when he used the word “shite”. That is such a great word. In fact, everyone should try harder to incorporate this classic British term into their every-day vocab. But I digress.

Since this article was originally written, the Prince has already been flown back to England for fear that his location being exposed by the media might leave he and his fellow troops vulnerable to attack. Ah the life of royalty.

So, I just recently found out that I’m black… Oh excuse me, African American.   According to recent DNA discoveries, the beginning of the modern human began in the heart of Africa.  It’s hard to argue because I don’t have RadioShack’s SuperDNA9500 analysis machine to trump their Stanford University Professors.

The Professor sticking his oversized reproductive organ into this theory is Richard Myers, a.k.a. R-Money.  He claims that this “helps to argue against racism”.  I don’t agree.  No matter how much buzz this generates or how big this thing blows up, we’re still going to have the KKK, gang wars, and those funny black comedians on BET’s Comic View making fun of ‘crackers’.

But this changes my whole perspective on things.  I can now: jump higher, run faster, have an unhealthy obsession with chrome rims on Cadillacs, love grape soda, vote democrat, have an excuse to pork fat white girls, etc.  I’m a ‘brother’ now… no not like a relative or sibling, I’m talking the way the black people,  I mean ‘we’, use it.

In the spirit of it being Black History Month, for the remainder of my post, I will talk the way I feel is natural… YO! Dis be Clayton, I’m out, home-slice.  NAAAAA MEEEEAN!!! 

Vote Obama ‘08

So, these couples from Ohio decided to get married on “the most romantic day of the year” at the trashiest dump of all venues… White Castle.

I can’t help but wonder what these obese mutants look like. I could only imagine what kind of forklift was required to walk the fatass bride down the aisle. Not to mention that the wedding had its own slogan adopted from White Castle’s “What you crave” - pathetic. I just don’t understand the whole obsession with White Castle’s food. It’s disgusting, gross, redneck, smelly, and makes me want to vomit all over everything.

Just imagine what the wedding night was like… Two hippos rolling around in the middle of some hamburger grease pile in the hay loft of a barn with ‘Cotton Eye Joe’ playing in the background. The groom could only redeem himself if he gave her the ole’ Dutch oven on the wedding night. I’ll give him some cool points for that.

Here’s the story

p.s. I believe Harold and Kumar were in attendance

So you’re single on the day of love. Here’s 5 things you shouldn’t do after you’ve had a few.

5. Blog

Blogging while drunk can always get a person in trouble. Sure…we all think we’re funnier when were greased, but some jokes fall flat on their poop-shoot, especially when read in the monotonous inner-brain. Also, try not Blog angry (dick!).

4. Text Girls You Used to Love

She is not going to fly from Wisconsin to Florida to make babies.

3. Text Girls You Still Love

If she was with you, you wouldn’t have to text her. Get over it, write a country song, and realize that she’s not going to drive the 15 miles to “watch a movie.”

2. Go to a Strip Club

On second thought, just go. Its all we have sometimes and who the hell knows…maybe she’ll be nipping at your berries after you make one-dollar bills rain on her butt cheeks.

1. Watch “The Notebook”

You’ll end up writhing in a pool of your own tears.